420 ftw
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
