no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
