ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
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Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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