if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
