I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
