Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize