She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
me + whiskey = a bad person
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
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