Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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