He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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