If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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