turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
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