the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
