I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
