you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
You pole danced in your parka.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
