There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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