Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize