don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Terrible idea I love it
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Randomize
