he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
