Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
