I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
