Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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