I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
