All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
