New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
