Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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