In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize