Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
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