I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
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