dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
