OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
