Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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