I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Randomize
