who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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