my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Randomize
