I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
i came on her dog
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
