Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
