grandma shit on top of the toilet
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
