He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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