I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize