I got chris browned last night
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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