I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
