I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
