I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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