Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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