The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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