Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
