So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
