I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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