Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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