I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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