Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
