Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I'm just crazy horny about you
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
