Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
