Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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