yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Randomize
