just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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