She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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