I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
