Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Rock
Scissors
Fuck
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
