i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
