My sheets look like a crime scene.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
